Platform Nine and No Quarters
by Meknowenglish
Summary: An impossibly senseless story. Harry, Hermione, and Ron 'miss' the Hogwarts Express. Harry has a solution.


[King's Cross]  
  
Ron: (wheeling his things along beside Harry) "Well, it's almost time." (checks watch)  
  
Hermione: "Yeah, we should head for the platform now, Harry."  
  
Harry: "Okay, follow me!" (begins to run wildly with his trolley)  
  
[Hermione and Ron stare dumbstruck, then run after him]  
  
Hermione: "Harry! You're - this, this isn't the right way! Let me lead!"  
  
Harry: "No way, I'm the hero around here. How many dark wizards have you defeated lately?"  
  
Hermione: (mutters indistinctly and continues to follow Harry)  
  
Harry: (coming to an abrubt stop) "Here we are!"  
  
Ron: (trying to push his trolley through the barrier) "Harry, It won't give."  
  
Harry: (surprised) "What?"  
  
Hermione: (angrily) "Told you this wasn't the right gate!"  
  
[Harry and Ron push vainly, while the hour of departure approaches]  
  
Harry: (matter of factly) "Now, you just have to . . . " (grunts and pushes harder) "God damn!"  
  
Ron: "Whadda we do now."  
  
Harry: (musingly) "Just need a little more power." (looks around at the muggles) "And something inconspicuous . . ." (draws wand and blast the wall to smithereens)  
  
Harry: "Quick! Before the guard comes!"  
  
[Surprisingly, there is a train behind the rubble]  
  
Harry: (smugly) "See, Hermione. I knew where I was going."  
  
Hermione: "Isn't the Hogwarts express scarlet?"  
  
Harry: (waving hand unimportantly) "Scarlet, green, what's the difference?"  
  
[They board the train]  
  
Ron: "Boy, they've done some remodeling."  
  
Hermione: "Yeah, and I haven't seen one student."  
  
Ron: (squinting eyes at the crowd) "These people sort of look like students. But they aren't dressed in robes yet."  
  
Hermione: "All of them not dressed? I always change as soon as I board."   
  
Ron: (uninterested) "Yeah, you sure - " (pauses) "Where's Harry?"  
  
Hermione: (looks arounds) "I don't know."  
  
[The search for Harry begins]  
  
Ron: "Harry! Where have you got to?"  
  
Hermione: "God, this is strange."  
  
[Harry appears at the doorway of a compartment, closing it behind him]  
  
Harry: (dusting off robes) "Ah, that just is the way it goes."  
  
Hermione: "Harry, what on earth are you talking about."  
  
Harry: "I was talking to the conductor. Asked him if this train was headed for Hogwarts."  
  
Hermione: "What did he say?"  
  
Harry: "He didn't know what Hogwarts was. So I naturally I assumed since he didn't know the destination, he hijacked this train. It was my civil duty to eliminate him."  
  
Ron: (patting Harry on the shoulder) "You have to do - what you have to do." (They both bow their heads)  
  
Hermione: (staring at them disbelievingly) "Harry, did it occur to you that he was a muggle?"  
  
Harry: (peevishly) "Well, now it does."  
  
Ron: (slowly) "Maybe, Hogwarts can't afford to hire a wizard to run the train . . . so they charmed a muggle   
to do it, and, and then they wouldn't have to pay him anything. They'd just put a memory charm on him after the trip - " (shakes head suddenly) "Whoa, I just confused myself."  
  
Hermione: (punching Ron) "Or maybe - THIS ISN'T THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS!"  
  
Harry: (affably) "That does make more sense. How do we get off?"  
  
Hermione: (gesturing wildly) "You dragged us here! Your figure it out!"  
  
Harry: (sticks his head out the window) "Hmm . . ." (draws wand) "Accio HOGWARTS EXPRESS!"  
  
[Hermione pales then jumps up. She struggles to pull Harry from the window]  
  
Ron: (crows appreciatively) "Good idea!"  
  
Hermione: (torn between pulling Harry back and pushing him out the window) "HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!"  
  
Harry: "What amn't I thinking!"   
  
[Hermione and Ron stare at Harry]  
  
Hermione: "What?"  
  
Harry: (stupidly) "What?"   
  
[Hermione screams with fury and now resolves to push Harry out the window]  
  
Ron: (checks watch, annoyed) "When is that bloody train going to get here?" (taps foot impatiently) "Oh, and Harry, don't you think you've been expelled by now for all this magic?"  
  
Harry: (trying to curse Hermione) "Don't worry about that - I always manage to get around the  
system." (gives Hermione a good kick) "And if I don't, why don't you cast some spells too?"  
  
Ron: (pulling out his wand) "Yeah, Lord knows I don't want to be stuck at school with Hermione."  
  
[A low rumbling noise fills the air. The sound incresases, and the train begins to shake violently. By now, the muggle students on the train have begun to notice something is amiss. This assumption becomes stronger when they found a pile of dust is conducting their train]  
  
Student 1: "Hey, what is going on around here?"  
  
Student 2: "I dunno, but look at that weird lot." (pointing to Ron, Harry, and Hermione) "Two of them are trying to kill each other, and the other one is fooling around with some sort of wooden stick." (pauses) In fact . . . he's pointing it right over he-"  
  
[The unfortunate students have been transfigured to gummy potato-shaped things]  
  
Harry: (cheerfully) "Must have gone wrong. What were they, er - supposed to be?"  
  
Ron: (crestfallen) "Porcupines."  
  
[A loud crash is heard somewhere near the caboose. The whole train juts forward, and all the students topple over eachother. Students from the Hogwarts Express hop on the train, and begin to curse everyone in sight]   
  
Hogwarts students: "Obliviate! OBLIVIATE!"  
  
Ron: (getting up exitedly) "Oy! The Hogwarts Express is here!"  
  
[The trio rushes toward the back of the train. The muggle students, fearing for some reason the end has come, jump off the now standstill train screaming that education was their pitfall]  
  
Student 3: (passionately) "All I wanted - was to LEARN!" (jumps out a window tearfully)  
  
Harry; (hopping on the Hogwarts Express] "Hey, d'you think anybody noticed anything?"  
  
Ron: "No. We'd better hurry though, Hermione is catching up."  
  
Hermione: (waving wand angrily) "When I get ahold of you two, I'm going to curse your legs off!"  
  
Harry: (terrified, he points his wand at Hermione) "Um, O-Obliviate!"  
  
[Hermione stops running, a cloudy look on her face. She takes a seat calmly]  
  
Harry: (baffled) "Er- right. You, um, stay there until you cool off." (crosses arms importantly)  
  
Ron: (scratches head) "Are we really going to leave her?"  
  
Harry: (sighs heavily) "I suppose we shouldn't."  
  
[They both lead a dazed Hermione on the train]  
  
Hermione: "I need to go - I think." (walks off uncertainly)  
  
Ron: "Well, that's done with."  
  
Harry: "Yeah, lets hide in a compartment before the prefects come looking for us."   
  
  
Disclaimer: Me don't own Harry Potter. 


End file.
